I AM NOT READY!!

It is 11:30 p.m. and everyone is tucked in and asleep for the night.  In the quietness of the night, after a very busy joyful few days filled with family and fun, I am sorrowfully trying to figure out how the Holidays will be now that my 9 year old told me this morning he had a discussion in school with his classmates and they all know there is no Easter Bunny and probably no Santa 😦  UGH!!

My 11 year old told me last year she no longer believed and she cried at the loss of her childhood traditions as did I with her.  She asked me to be honest and questioned Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.  I explained to her my belief of St. Nick and because the world has grown no one person could handle it all and parents are expected to help. We looked up the history of the Easter Bunny on google and talked about how the tooth fairy made losing a tooth not so scary and upsetting.  She was born with the maturity of an adult and mourned a few hours over the changes for her life but rationalized it’s all part of growing up.  I, on the other hand, cried for about a week at the change for her and me!!

Today with my son, his questioning was so matter of fact and typical of a 9 year old boy stating “you can’t fool me, I know it’s you and dad”.  I asked if he would like to look up the history of the Easter bunny but he was “over it” and opted to ride his scooter instead.  I decided I would speak to him before bed as there are a few things to make clear such as you can not tell your younger cousins these secrets etc.  So I approached him as I tucked him in and again he was so matter of fact about it saying he has known about the Easter Bunny since Christmas and would not tell anyone.  I was fighting tears the whole time and told him the same as I did his sister.  He simply stared at me and said, “can I stay up till midnight tonight?”

So here I am sitting at my computer, tears rolling down my cheeks, pondering will there be joy in our next Holiday?  How is this going to feel knowing I don’t have to sneak and hide things.  How can their little minds process this, they are my babies??????  I AM NOT READY!!

Ahh but life has a way of making things happen regardless of being ready or not.  I was not ready 11 years ago when my father passed away at a young age of cancer.  I could not figure out how life would go on and how I could enjoy it again, but you find it does and while there is that heartbreaking loss, you find a new way to rationalize it and have joy again.

Tonight I will mourn the loss of my baby boy still feeling in my head I am not ready to let him go just as I did his sister.  I will mourn the loss of how things have been and let myself feel the uncertainty of our future now that both of my children have matured and time has forced me to deal with what all other parents deal with.  I will continue to cry as I have been doing for the past hour and it’s ok.   Hopefully tomorrow I will awake and be ready to help him into the next stage of his life and we will find our way together as a family.

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I am not sorry…

It seems I am always apologizing when we go out with friends for being the first to say it’s time for us to leave.  I may seem like the “downer” in the group as I don’t drink like I used to, want to stay out much past a wonderful dinner and after dinner drink and I turn down many invitations to join great friends for a night out.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy it as I truly do.  I love getting out with our different groups of friends for a dinner at a new restaurant and socializing.  But after a great conversation over a nice dinner and drink, I am ready to head home.  So out come the words “sorry guys we have to get going”.  My friends are used to this from me now and sometimes they will try and convince me to stay for one more drink.  But most know it’s a waste of their time. .

Last night after dinner at a new restaurant in Buffalo and heading upstairs to the “hip” bar simulating a bar in the arctic carved out of ice, I was trying to figure out why I was counting down the time in my head to go home.  I enjoyed being there with my friends and had a great couple of hours over dinner and drinks.  But it hit me….I like my friends, even love some…but I love my home life more!!  I like being there to tuck my kids into bed.  I like knowing they find comfort in knowing their mom and dad are home and they are safe and sound.   I like knowing my barn is secure and all of our animals are fed and set for the night.  I like feeling fresh and not over tired the next day after a few hours out so I can enjoy what ever the day brings.

So after a brief stay in the arctic setting I decided I am not sorry and I will not apologize anymore when I feel I want to leave.  I very nicely leaned into the group of our friends and said…time’s up for me.  I’m ready to go home talk to you all soon!!

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